I don’t care how your vagina looks
Why is the Brazilian Bikini Wax even a thing?
I mean, honestly, why is it sexy to leaf through Playboy and ogle women who are adults from the belly-button up, but are 9-year olds from the shorn labia down?
I suppose I understand the arguments one might make about staying appropriately groomed for swimwear and…well…that’s actually the only argument I can think I might understand. But, I am a little wierded out by the long-running trend that glorifies having a stranger toss your ankles in the air, stick her face near your C-U-Next-Tuesday, and forcibly tear out your pubic hair by the root en masse.
What is the male equivalent of this phenomena? What do our gentlemen friends have to do stay sexy? Um, get a job? Not wear Wife-beaters? Take out the garbage? Kill spiders? Steer clear of Crocs, skinny jeans, and pleated khakis?
And, pray tell, why are we as a society — a WORLD society — so preoccupied with private orifices?
–How did Vaginal Rejuvenation surgery come to be? After children, no woman’s lady parts look like blossoming lotus flowers anymore. That’s life. Whatevs.
–Who invented Anal Bleaching? Has anyone ever seen an anus that needed to be bleached? I don’t understand. Is it…um…dirty…so the process is like bleaching your kid’s socks after he played flag football in the yard without shoes, or is it a skin color issue and a matter of the monstrous impact of white-normed culture that is the culprit here?
–Did you know that you can get your hymen restitched? In some parts of the world, it is critical that a woman be a virgin upon marriage. So, in case you said “fuck you” to that tradition and now have some Buyer’s Remorse, or if you accidentally jogged and opened your hymen (as is the case, apparently for most women — hymens split through natural means), you can recreate the illusion of childhood-fresh vagina-dom with Hymen Repair surgery. Wow.
–If you don’t like how large, small, or misshapen your clitoris is, you can change that, too, through specialized plastic surgery. Now, really. I understand women who have suffered through Female Genital Mutilation, but I wonder how many people, statistically, have this surgery for vanity’s sake. I don’t mean to judge, but I actually wonder why our society puts so much pressure on appearance that women feel the need to adjust this (normally) hidden part of their bodies.
–Men aren’t totally immune to this, either, though their options are more limited and the number of men who partake is grossly smaller. There are numerous schemes, pills, devices, surgeries and home remedies to help men enlarge their penises, though. (Is that correct? penises? Might it be peni? I have never had much use for plural penises [hee hee -- that's what she said]). There are also options for men who want to tighten their ball skin to reduce sag and options for men to be circumcised as adults. Ouch. While the former may be for vanity (but may more often be to improve sexual function or prowess) the latter, I assume, is more often performed for medical reasons to relieve discomfort. These are not just to make them more attractive.
Look: I believe in freedom. Have yourselves waxed, dyed, plucked, primped, tanned, pedicured, shaved, implanted, lifted, Botoxed, reshaped, liposucked, dieted, styled and glossed if, when, and how you want.
But, don’t be surprised when the phenomena into which you fall becomes the topic of a post from your friendly neighborhood blogger as she rants about cultural obsessions with human undercarriage.
All I wonder is this: have we gone too far?
At what point will humankind ever just be satisfied with things as they are? At what point will people begin to accept one another? When might we begin to see and celebrate uniqueness instead of trying to rip, tear, pluck and reconstruct into some weirdly agreed-upon ideal? When do we start to love and accept one another BECAUSE of, not IN SPITE of our differences?
I imagine that will happen…um…never.
I blame video games. And gun violence. And Global Warming. And President Bush. Either one. It doesn’t really matter.
What say you? Feel like dabbling in some anal bleaching or hymen reconstruction yourself? Want to recommend ball tightening to someone? Ever seen a clitoris that really needed a makeover? I would love to know about the circumstances. I am all ears (actually, if I were, in fact, ALL ears, would I have to get plastic surgery on them to be pretty?).
I look forward to your comments.