I know you are but what am I?
She was the kind of girl who smoked cigarettes in a car with rolled-up windows while fuzzy dice dangled on her rearview mirror. I am sure she owned plenty of leopard print. I would be certain that whatever her name would be, it would end with an “i.”
He scrawled on desks in high school with the end of a pen that no longer worked. And he only owned clothes with band names on them or things that were made out of threadbare denim or cheap, knock-off leather.
Her friends all loved pink and had big hair and wore plastic bracelets and shoes. One had a button on her purse that said “Save Ferris.” Another knew the perfect way to scrunch up her socks at the ankle so that they were just awesome enough.
He hung with guys who snarled a lot. They couldn’t afford muscle cars, so they hung calendars of them in their rooms instead. They pretended to know about the world.
Everyone believed, firmly, that these kids were going nowhere in life. Now they’re 40. They wear shirts with buttons and pants that have to be ironed. They have kids and a mortgage and a sensible SUV with a top-rated carseat inside. They have no idea what the coolest music is anymore, but they do know all about Doc McStuffins.
This might sound like people you know. One of those people might even be you.
So, you’re old. That sucks.
But, I offer no solace. There shall be no respite from the weariness of your lamentable aging today.
Instead, I offer you this:
*next summer, Forrest Gump will be 20 years old. That makes Haley Joel Osment (young Forrest) now 24. He could be your coworker. Or worse, your boss.
*it has been 30 years since Michael Jackson first did that Moonwalk on TV while performing Billie Jean and 30 years since Vanessa Williams became the first Black Miss America.
*If you had had a child the night Seinfeld aired its final episode, that child would now be a freshman in high school.
*If Nirvana’s Nevermind were a person, it could now legally drink in the United States. Actually, it was released 22 years ago.
*It has been 43 years since the first heavy metal album was released. Original headbangers would now risk serious injury for rockin’ out.
*It has been exactly 40 years now since psychology experts removed homosexuality from its list of disorders. It took Denmark another 16 years to be the first to legalize same-sex marriages. It took 26 total years from that date for California to offer some rights for same-sex couples in committed relationships.
*It has been 34 years since Nickelodeon first launched as a channel.
*It has been nearly a decade since Facebook launched as a social networking site.
*28 years have passed since the launch of the first Super Mario Brothers.
*If you were 13 years old when Pac Man first came out in the US, you are now 45 years old, geezer.
*If you were 18 when Jimi Hendrix died, you are now 61 years old. Criminey.
*Cyndi Lauper is 59.
*Gene Simmons is 63.
*Pee Wee Herman is 60.
*TuPac would be 42 years old now, had he lived.
*Denise Huxtable from the Cosby Show would turn 46 this year.
*William Shatner is 81.
*Chuck Norris is 72.
*Brad Pitt is 48. Two and a half years younger than George Clooney.
*Ralph Macchio, the Karate Kid is freaking 50 years old.