Off Duty Mom

Thoughts from an exhausted mom who is NEVER really "off duty"

Button, It, Kids!

I am not sure whom to blame for this.

Are we still blaming George Bush for stuff?  I could get back on that train.  Or maybe I could just blame global warming?  Or video games?

But, maybe it doesn’t matter in the long run.  There’s war and poverty and injustice everywhere.  The world is so sad.

Hey, guys!  I will come out to play in, like, 5 hours, when I am done buttoning my shorts.

Hey, guys! I will come out to play in, like, 5 hours, when I am done buttoning my shorts.

And to add insult to injury there is this:
Who the FUCK decided it was a good idea to make little boys’ pants so  freaking complicated?

My older son took his time potty training, but has done a great job since he made up his own mind that he wasn’t going to shit his pants anymore.  He’s still only 5, though, and his dexterity is still forming.  He doesn’t know how to tie a bow yet.  So, the drawstring on many children’s pants are completely useless to him unless we dress him.  And, at 5 (nearly 6), he isn’t super-cool with being dressed by his mom all the time.

Seriously?

Seriously?

My boy loves to play hard.  He plays and plays and plays for so long that sometimes it isn’t until the very last moment that he realizes he has to run to pee.  And, when he gets there, he has to fiddle with buttons, snaps, zippers, hooks and whatnot.  We’re all pretty lucky there haven’t been more “incidents” where the little dude couldn’t fumble with all of the doo-hickeys fast enough to get his willie aimed at the bowl in time.

Then, when he pulls his pants back up, he yanks up the underoos and the pants all in one fistfull of fabric.  By the time he is done reassembling himself, his shirt ends up partially tucked in to his undies by one hip, just his pants in the front, then hangs pitifully on all other sides.  The underwear billows out the top of his pants in one place and he ends up looking like a blind drunk man with only 8 fingers put him together.

I am trying to think about solutions here, though, you know, ‘cuz I am such a problem-solver.

So, there has to be another way, I’m thinkin’.

Velcro?  Maternity-style stretchy-wide-waist pants?  Magnets?  Jedi mind-controlled pants?

I don’t know what it is yet, but I am going to be a millionaire when I figure this shit out.

 

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2 thoughts on “Button, It, Kids!

  1. You have just described my just-turned-six-year-old! Thank you for making me smile this lunchtime.

    • I didn’t think I was alone out there.

      What makes it worse, too, is that my kid is taller than most his age. So, when he was 3 or 4 it was easy to find pull-on pants and shorts for him, but now, at nearly 5-years old, he is in a size 7. They expect kids that big to be a whole lot better at getting dressed than he is.

      I am going to open a store for little boys and we are going to sell reasonably priced adorable clothes that are practical, too.

      It will be a goldmine. Invest now.
      :)

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