Off Duty Mom

Thoughts from an exhausted mom who is NEVER really "off duty"

“Bikinis, zucchinis, martinis, no weenies”

 

With his phenomenal lyrical prowess, it is shocking -- shocking, I say -- that Juvenile didn't go further in his career.

The older I get, the older I get.

I barely understood my own youth culture half the time.

Then, I became a teacher. I thought I was young and easy to relate to at 22. But in actuality, I had no patience for or frame of reference by which to truly understand pants that start at your thighs, giant, tire-sized piercings or obsessions with Justin Bieber.

If I can’t even relate to a Juvenile (yeah–that was really his stage name. I don’t think irony was intended) song that came out the same year I graduated from college, I don’t know how I will be able to connect with my kids’ generation.

Yet, I still try to understand that song from the 90’s. I heard it today. Here’s what I gathered:

The gentleman insists that his female companion reverse her direction and move her pear-shaped physique in his direction. Repeatedly. Perhaps this young woman is afflicted with some type of malady that increases the size of her hindquarters and also causes her to be hard of hearing. If, indeed, she were suffering from hearing loss, that would be unfortunate since she’d miss the opportunity to hear the veritable cornucopia of words that rhyme with “yeah,” most of which, not surprisingly, are actually the word “yeah” itself. Fascinating.  And it doesn’t end there.

Ummm...it's not just me, right? I can't be the only one who doesn't understand how some people get to be famous.

Does Britney Spears really resurrect the world’s worst pick-up line from about 1982 and ask, “If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?”  Did Will Smith not teach his kid better writing ideas other than “I whip my hair back and forth?”  Did Nicki Minaj just say that her panties were coming off?  Did the Black Eyed Peas really tell me to, “Get up off [their] genitals?”  Just when I didn’t think it could get worse than “My Humps.”  But, then, I realized that J. Lo’s 2011 song features a briliant piece of artistry: 

“That badonkadonk is like a trunk full of bass on an old-school Chevy
Seven tray donky donk
All I need is some vodka and some shonky-tonk
And watch she gon’ get Donkey Kong”

>sigh<  I just don’t even know what to say about that.  Luckily, someone else did:  http://entertainment.ca.msn.com/music/photos/gallery.aspx?cp-documentid=29514912&page=10

 

There's a novel idea: THINKING. Thank you, Chuck D.

I used to think that my parents were so lame because they thought that 10,000 Maniacs were a riotous punk bank (they must be with that name, right?) and that Nirvana was shocking for busting up so many guitars.  And, forget gangsta rap from my youth of the late 80’s — I wasn’t allowed to listen to it, but at least it had a message.  And a point.  If you tell me that 9-1-1 is a “joke,” I can at least understand your plight in the American ghettos and the idea that your community is continually ignored by the very system that is supposed to save human lives.  What I will not soon understand is Rihanna begging to be loved like she’s “a hot pie.” 

I don’t know what I would do if I had to listen to my kids hear Katy Perry ask to see someone’s peacock, cock, cock, cock. Honestly. That’s a real song, people. I wish I were kidding.

When my 3-year old is 16, what crap will he be listening to?  And what stupid shit is he going to do to his hair?

What I’d love to know is whether I am just old and out of touch or if popular culture is just becoming that much more vapid. 

Your daughter's role model. I actually found a picture that wasn't overtly sexual. Winning.

Of course, I prefer to believe that youth culture sucks.  I don’t think that’s all there is to it, though. 

Truth is, I am now my parents.  How did that happen?

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16 thoughts on ““Bikinis, zucchinis, martinis, no weenies”

  1. You only have to go back to “early television” to realize that our world is getting more…worldly. And I think “vapid” is just another side-effect. Once you stop using your brain to determine decency, it stops working in other areas too. Hey, they say you give somethin’ an inch, it’s gonna take a mile, don’t they?

  2. Haha, fantastic interpretation of Juvenile, an a PSA ny Mr Chuck D? Awesome post.

  3. I guess I’m not much of a help. Our 6 yr old heard sir MixAlots’Babys Got Back” (aka “I like big butts & I cannot lie) in a movie ( i wish that were a lie) and runs around singing it; to which i laugh hysterically at because she weighs 35 lbs and has no butt to speak of.
    So disappointed, I was hoping to stop by here & find tips on how you manage to find “off duty time”! (Kidding – the word ‘mom’ gives it away!)

  4. I’m the same way with modern music….. and here I am from the era when Devo’s “Whip it” was considered controversial…… 🙂

    • I try to imagine just what would be next. I can’t conceive of anything more outlandish than some of the crap I’ve already seen and heard…

      Thanks for reading. I really appreciate the response!

  5. Thank God it’s not just me. I know now what my mother must have felt like when her sweet little girl was in the back seat of the car moaning, “Like a Virgin…” Proud! 😉

    • I have wondered about that myself. I actually asked my mom what a virgin was one time because of that song. She did a pretty good job of weaseling her way out of an answer only to ask then, “Um, where did you hear that word?” Must’ve sucked to find out that it was on the radio she bought me.

  6. I almost spit out my coffee at the line, “Does Britney Spears really resurrect the world’s worst pick-up line from about 1982 and ask, “If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?” Hilarious post, and yet oh, so true.

  7. pileofbabies on said:

    So good.
    What’s fantastic is when your 36 year old electrical engineer husband can sing along to all of these songs. Oh yeah, honey. You bad.

  8. Pingback: Things That Don’t Suck « Off Duty Mom

  9. Vaessa on said:

    It’s not all bad. There’s shit on the radio all the time. The radio never plays good songs, only what’s popular. But a lot of youths absolutely hate the songs on the radio. The message doesn’t relate to them, so they find stuff from other people, stuff that does relate to them. If you don’t want you little child singing some profane song, don’t show it to them. There are a lot of songs that aren’t made for children under the age of 5, that actually aren’t sexual. Lots of bands from back in the day still make music too, and though it’s not always popular with the average youth, there are a lot of youths out there who love the stuff. I think you’re being a little hard on the kids of this generation. Its frustrating to hear adults say things like ‘youth culture sucks’ because it feels like you don’t want to understand it. Parents always have a hard time relating to their children, but putting it this way makes it seem like such a ‘us vs them’ thing. It frustrates met. Maybe i’m wrong, but if you really tried to, you would find things that aren’t so bad in youth culture. Bullying is a lot less of a problem now, at least in all of the schools I’ve attended. Racism amongst the average youth is not as bad. They are a lot more accepting. The music might not be your thing, but saying that youth culture sucks is making a very conclusive statement on youths, and I think that you should try to search for the good things in youth culture instead of the bad.
    In terms of ‘what kind of crazy hair do will these kids come up with next?’ sort of thing, just let the kids express themselves. Maybe it’s a little embarrassing, but if you don’t let them, they are going to resent you. Self expression is something lots of teenagers feel the need to do, it’s something that’s kind of important, in a time when they are struggling with who they are. It’s a bit of an awkward time, but let it pass on its own, it can help them alot in the long run.
    That excludes slutty clothes of course.

    • Well, clearly this is from 2017 and I have been lax in my WordPressing for, um… 2 years.

      That said, I would thank you for your comment and then tell you that I choose not to listen to any of it.

      My guess is that at the time of this writing, you were (or are) a teenager yourself. You read the words of a grown up and were all, “Wah…No one understands my generation. We’re so depressingly misunderstood. You just don’t GET it and it is SO UNFAIR, ‘cuz, like, we’re totally okay and, like, you were probably young once and you just don’t remember how disrespectful people were to you. Boo-hoo.”

      Whatever. I am also two years older and wiser now. I used to (and will be going back to) write a column that was meant to be snarky and a bit hyperbolic at times and ultimately just entertainment for a demographic that doesn’t typically include 15-year olds.

      I teach for a living and I am around teenagers — and have been — for longer than the teenagers I currently teach have been alive. I fucking understand that teenagers are, in fact, amazing. They are changing the world and they are strong and feminist, and inclusive and they envision a better universe. They fight for women’s issues and join the Black Student Union and support queer rights and advocate for safe schools.

      I KNOW.

      This piece was just a funny ha-ha about dumb songs.

      BTW — You’re probably a very nice person. Your response was largely positive and didn’t at all attack me or my ideas, but rather suggested I see things differently. My response to you, too, is part of that delightful snark and sarcasm I was talking about before…

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