Guest Post By
I remember the day I had my fourth miscarriage. It was the most painful experience of my life. I mean that it was honestly the most physically painful experience ever. Of course, I was in emotional pain, too. It was traumatizing. But, unlike the first three miscarriages, this one was truly gut-wrenching. I threw up. I sobbed. I stayed in bed for days. I was depressed. I was exhausted. I was angry.
I know that this blog comes out of the United States where laws are different than they are where I live. In my country, my partner and I are legally married, though I know of many parts of the world where women are still not permitted such rights. So, I cannot imagine how I would have made it through this without the needed health care and support that was provided for me in this time of need. I know that I am lucky in that regard.
My partner, “Magdalena,” was wonderful through all of this. We had decided long ago that I would carry our child. She had some health concerns that would make it pretty unsafe for her to carry a child for nine months, so I happily agreed to bear this responsibility.
There appeared to be no medical reason why this was happening, though. Doctors could not explain why I couldn’t stay pregnant. They kept telling me what great news it was that I could GET pregnant. That didn’t matter much if I never carried a baby to term, though, did it? I had grown sick and tired of the rhetoric and started to become despondent. I became a terrible employee. I snapped at the people around me who I loved. I was crumbling as a person. This process was destroying me.
After that last miscarriage, “Magdalena” and I decided that enough had been enough. Actually, she decided this. I was too tired from all of this to fight with her. She loved me and I was in no position to be making decisions at that point.
I took some time to heal. The wounds I had at this point were more emotional than physical. We took about a year off and tried to live happy lives as a couple. It was idyllic, even. We traveled. We bought a new home near the water. I launched a business and became pretty successful at it. We rediscovered our happiness.
Years prior, we had investigated adoption. We went through all of the awful paperwork and interviewing, but were told that adoption isn’t as simple as perhaps it ought to be, so we should not hang our hats on this option alone. We, of course, didn’t and we secured a donor (a dear friend) and tried to carry a child to term on our own. And, obviously, that didn’t work.
So, imagine our surprise when we found out that there was a child who was waiting for us in Guatemala. If we were still interested (so many years later now!) we could meet our new family member soon. Did we want to continue with the process?
We had rebuilt our lives at this point. We were also both nearly 40 years old and pretty set in our ways. We had finally come to terms with the idea that we’d never be parents.
But, we felt as though this child were a part of us somehow. We named him Frederick. He’s amazing.
Things don’t always turn out the way you plan. Sometimes, they’re better than you could have imagined.