Coulda Done Without…
Tell me, friends: who among us cannot appreciate the beauty in the little things in life?
Sometimes even the voices in my own head are of people I’d like to punch in the trachea.
The past two days have been days like that. I have felt a permanent snarl on my face. It isn’t iconic like Billy Idol’s or quirky like Elvis’ or cute like a puppy’s. It is the physical manifestation of disappointment in the human race. It is the muscular byproduct of my involvement in a culture of stupidity.
Let’s explore some things that are wacky, ridiculous, senseless or just generically aggravating for thinking people.
1. Television. I have before chronicled my irritation with some modern-day children’s programming. What has happened? Where are the Snorks? Can I get some Great Space Coaster up in here? I miss my Electric Company. I feel sorry for kids today who will never learn who is “bouncing here and there and everywhere,” with “high adventure that’s beyond compare.”
2. Modern technology and inventions. Now, I am not going to bitch about kids who try sexting, or about the problems with Windows 8. I am going to complain about the inventions of items such as antenna balls, the Snuggie, the ShamWow, The Shake Weight, the Flowbee, the KFC “Double Down,” and the laser disc. Where are we going, world? I don’t want to know what is next up for a world that has invented the wearable DVD player, “Two Broke Girls,” and those little decorative pieces of junk that you cram in the holes of your equally stupid Crocs.
3. Baby Names from Mars. What are some of you thinking? Now, I am really sorry if you are the proud mother of an Orangejello, Nevaeh, Q’Daunteus, Le-A, Yummalewis, Princess, Rambo, Angelbaby, Cha Cha, Kredonshea, Sugar, Zither or Falopiana. Actually, I am sorrier for your kids.
4. Prissy Drinkers. When I was in college, I was repeatedly annoyed by girls who would go to frat parties and not be willing to drink beer. “I don’t liiiiiike beer,” they’d twirl their hair and whine. Really, assclown? You came to a FRAT PARTY. Oh, yes, Sweet Cheeks, let me get you a Pomegranate Cosmo. You’re 19. Drink Schlitz with the rest of the crew. And, get your hands on that barrel and your feet in the air and be fun, dammit.
5. The Discriminatory Childless. Everyone’s an expert, right? There is no shortage of people out there who have no children of their own, but who will roll eyes, scoff, or even offer unwelcome advice about you and your kids. Now, I used to be one of the Discriminatory Childless. And, then I had two kids. And, now I am sorry to that mother I yelled at at Wal-Mart that one time.
6. The Habitually Optimistic. I am a grump by nature. It is just who I am. My husband asks me all the time “what’s wrong” or mentions, sweetly of course, that I “look miserable.” Most of the time I am not what I would say is “miserable.” But, I am adorably misanthropic. Well, at least that is how I like to think of myself. But nothing makes me grumpier than when I am faced with a perky, doe-eyed happy-cat. You know the type. Ever see “Office Space?” I think about “Accounts Payable, Nina Speaking…JUST a moment!” repeated enough times to make me want to vomit all over her rainbow-colored world.
Feel free to share with me the things you could do without in this world. Grump with me. Try it. First one’s free.