If you’re expecting, you have probably read What to Expect When You’re Expecting to help you know what you can expect while you’re expecting, except nothing can prepare expectant parents or help them better accept the truth about what happens after the expected baby arrives.
Fo’ real, though.
If you are pregnant right now, you may or may not be joking with others about how “crazy” you are. You probably have heard of “pregnancy brain” and have lost your car keys a few times. Your mood swings may either be cute and quirky or fully alarming. You probably complain about things like swollen feet, missing ankles, blue veins, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, nausea, vomiting, heartburn, heart palpitations, blood sugar, back aches, head aches and an inability to drink alcohol to make you forget all of this nonsense.
If you are pregnant right now, you probably hate skinny people. You probably lament the fact that no one makes a decent business suit for pregnant women and/or no one makes “maternity shoes” or “maternity bras” for temporary size changes.
Your boobs probably hurt.
You’ve no doubt noticed that maternity clothing is no less expensive than regular clothing (and sometimes is much more expensive) and you HAVE to fucking buy it because you can’t be naked and the Belly Band doesn’t help your pre-pregnancy pants fit over your pregnancy-ass.
If you wore high heels before your pregnancy, you are probably now wondering who the FUCKBALLS invented high heels and what giant ASSHOLE bought so many of them and put them in your closet. Why doesn’t the Shoe Fairy come bring you some nice, sensible footwear from Lands End?
And, I hate to break it to you…
With science what it is these days, if you are pregnant, you may not have been screwed, per se, but you are screwed in a more metaphorical and less fun way.
You’re gonna have a BABY.
They make you CRAZY.
You will actually feel like a real lunatic a few weeks after that baby is born. You may cry for no reason. You may feel completely incompetent. You may be completely overwhelmed. You may be super-duper pissed that your significant other’s life and body were not as completely RUINED by this tiny, beautiful, precious, angelic, life-destroying animal.
You will have nothing that is yours: not your body, not your clothes, not your space, not your time, not your food, not your one-goddamn-minute-alone-on-the-fucking-toilet-in-silence. That baby is the boss of you. He decides when you sleep, what you eat, when you pee, whether you shower, and whether your clothes stay clean or vomit-laden. He is your warden. And you love him. And kinda hate him (or maybe just the situation) soooooooooo much. And then you feel enormously guilty for the “hate” part and you’ll cry and be certain that you’re the worst parent who ever parented in the whole universe of parents ever.
You will want to say (or even really say out loud and everything) “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” more than one time.
You will meet several “good” moms who have their lives in perfect order and just “love” being a mother and who have no idea what you mean when you say that it is a really hard job. You will want to murder these women, but please don’t because your boss baby needs you.
Look: this is going to suck. Being a parent sucks. But, people don’t really want you to know that. And THAT sucks, because when the baby arrives and you realize it all just sucks so much, you will feel like a complete asshole because no one else talks about how much it sucks, so you are left to believe that it only sucks for you which means that you are a bad parent and an even worse person.
But, for all of its suckitude, one day you will realize that you are no longer just treading water. You’ll be swimming. And your kids will be able to care for themselves. And, you’ll not have to change diapers or wipe up sour-milk-vomit or buckle anyone in but yourself when you get in your car.
And, you’ll cry because you will wonder what happened to your beautiful babies and you’ll look back on those days that sucked with such fondness and gratitude and bliss. And you’ll miss holding a lavender-scented sleeping infant in your arms.
And you’ll have absolutely no desire to do it all over again.