A Shout-Out to my Homies Rockin’ it on a 19th-Century Farm
This morning, while watching the news, I was struck with a thought: What the hell is happening to this generation?
Y’all know I’m a mom. And, I am a high school teacher. In my tenure in both of these important jobs, I have seen some sees.
But, lemme just tell you that what made me wonder about current culture wasn’t the fatal shooting I heard about that happened within the city limits of the school district where I worked for a decade before taking my current job. It wasn’t the entertainment news that seemed to make it everyone’s business to care whether Beyonce is pregnant or not.
It was a car commercial.
This commercial was for a vehicle that boasted that it had “125 horses.”
It irked me for a number of reasons.
I shall list them for you not so much because I feel as though you have been waiting on the edge of your seat since July for me to post something fabulous, but rather because I loves me a good list.
1. Why “horses” and not “horsepower”? Is this a sign of our getitdonenow times that signifies we are now just too George Jetson to be bothered with saying two extra syllables? Is this a sign that the Orwell-ocalypse is upon us and we are paring down our already paltry American vocabulary? Are Big Motor companies just going to start calling things “double-plus good” from now on?
2. Why are we even referencing horsepower at all anymore? Is there anyone on the non-Amish parts of the planet that can even identify the physics of the power of a single horse, thereby being able to fathom the force that can be generated when this energy is multiplied to represent 125 horses? How relevant is this as a reference and what does it even mean. I defy even ONE carbuyer to explain to me, plainly, what horsepower is in basic terms of force.
3. Who really cares about horsepower, anyway, unless you are currently somehow living in 19th-century West Virginia and are tending to your crops? When you know that a vehicle’s weight, the amount of friction that can occur, and basic torque are other (and perhaps better?) factors on which to judge how well a vehicle pulls, what is even the difference? I get that some of you gun-rackers need them horsies to haul home your kill of buck for yer kin, but realistically, how much does horsepower even factor in to the average buyers’ concerns?
4. Marketing sucks. Big donkey balls. Tricky wordsmithery, flashy bullshittitude, empty language, meaningless boasts: I can’t even figure out if I really want a Diet Coke anymore or if the evil elves at Fancy Pants DoubleTalk Advertising Agency, Inc. have crept into my subconscious psyche and have fooled me. “125 horses?” Bah. I shant be swayed by your reference to the earth’s most majestic creatures. (But, if it had “125-unicorn power” I might be sold.)
5. Finally, Big Car Company: you’re not cool. The cool kids are all abbreviating their words so that shit is barely recognizable anymore. Things are “totes adorbs,” and if you don’t get it, you’re probably just “jelly” of those of us who do, aight? But, srsly, you, BCC, are comprised of a boardroom full of fat white men with whitish, thinning hair, blah-colored suits and eyeglasses. Y’all ain’t turnt up and popular. Stop acting a fool and use regs words, else I keep throwin’ shade at y’all.
Now that I have gotten that all out in the open, I do feel a tad better. I mean, not about the world in which I am raising my children, but just better because I got to rant for a bit. Thanks for the indulgence.