Interviewer: So, how is the Whole Life Challenge going?
Off Duty Mom: I hate it.
Int.: I bet it’s tough being so awesome at everything: parenting, teaching, snark…
ODM: It is. That is exactly why the Whole Life Challenge is difficult for me. I am so fucking fabulous at everything else. It wouldn’t be fair to all of the un-awesome people if I dominated at this.
Int.: How are your workouts going? The Whole Life Challenge is all about a holistic approach to wellness, after all.
ODM: I work out. That is all I have to say.
Int.: What do you usually do after a workout?
ODM: I fall over. Usually.
Int.: How do you recover?
ODM: I’m supposed to recover?
Int.: Right. Yes. What do you do to help your body get rid of lactic acid and retain the benefits of your workout?
ODM: After the gym, I normally like to eat junk food and drink beer, but the Whole Life Challenge is kinda effing that up for me.
Int.: Aren’t you proud of yourself for taking on this fabulous challenge?
Int.: But, seriously, it has to feel good to know you are doing such good things for your body.
ODM: Is that a question?
Int.: Fine. Aren’t you pleased with yourself to know you’re improving your health?
ODM: I’d be more pleased if by “improving your health” you meant “eating french fries.”
Int.: It’s Day 5, how do you feel?
ODM: Like a truck hit me. I am tired and sore from a workout two days ago. I feel worse instead of better.
Int.: I hear that if you stick it out, you will feel fabulous. Can you stick with it?
ODM: Look — I have the willpower. That isn’t the issue. I just hate everyone and everything right now. The question is whether the people around me can stick with me while I detox from caffeine and sugar.
Int.: Well, thanks for your time.
ODM: I hate you. And, you’re welcome.