Off Duty Mom

Thoughts from an exhausted mom who is NEVER really "off duty"

Archive for the tag “writing”

Join the Off Duty Family

Please consider sharing your embarrassing stories for our Mother’s Day series.  Deadline for entry will be April 30.

What have you done that makes you want to shake your head at your former self?

For Mother’s Day this year, we are looking for stories you don’t want your mamma to know.  (We won’t tell her your story came from you!)

Let the fun begin!

Visit our submission page to send in your story.

Advertisements

Seeking Writers

We haven’t done a guest-post series in quite some time.

The world is long overdue for a great series like the one we did on infertility about a year and a half ago.

We had a number of amazing, funny, heartbreaking submissions and I think that it is time to showcase some serious talent again.

The next Off Duty Mom Guest Series will feature articles about the topic of

Embarrassing Stories I Don’t Want My Mom to Know

So, did you do something stupid/hilarious/dangerous/moderately legal in your younger years that our readers would find endearing, funny or adorable?  Did that ridiculous thing you did result in embarrassment, shame or imprisonment that we can all laugh at together?

Have you been in a situation that is funny now, but was mortifying then?  Would your mama slap you silly if she knew you stole that/ate that/went there/dated him/failed that class/drank that Kool-Aid/posed for that picture?

Let’s laugh and cry together.  Share your funny and embarrassing story to be posted in a Mother’s Day series.  Let us be glad that you’re not our kid…

 

My Clouds

An Open Babbling to Sandra Cisneros and Other People, Too.

 

Before you were a bean, you were angel’s breath and wonderment.  You were the sky above a field of crocuses with dew and soft breezes.  You were a seed the color of rain.  There was soft light and a bird and swaddling clothes.

In the jungle the sounds are purity.  There are droplets of hibiscus.  The air smells of God.  And you were a whisper of a strand of hair drowsing along on the wind made of prayers.  You were the air made of purple.

And, before you were liquid and sunshine and freedom and energy.  Peace that drinks heavily from the chalice of royal diamonds.  The air between fronds on a feather.  The spaces between the light streaming through the cracked corners of the stained glass window.  The sweetness of honeydew.  A necklace made of love.

And, in a day, a peach blossom emerged and was illuminated by years of paper and ice.  Loops connecting forever.  Dancing with the delicacy of pencil erasers tapping on a frosted cake.

Things that sound dirty but are not

Rubber Balls

Uvula

Cockles

Kumquat

Bangkok

“You Suck”

“This is Hard to Swallow”

Johnson & Johnson

Fantasy Football

“She Blew Me Off”

Tight End

Caulk

Rectory

Manhole

Dipthong

Dingle Peninsula

Taco Pie

Stroke Play

 

Thought you’d like to smile today…

Pubic Garanimals Dry Hump Samurai Schematics

I am huge in Uganda today.

And, a few weeks back I frickin’ killed it in Sri Lanka.

 

And, in the past few months, people have found this blog by searching for

  • lime juice vagina
  • pubic chia pet
  • Garanimals for men
  • slut whore
  • I’m a girl with hair on my vagina and I don’t care
  • dry humping mom’s ass cheeks
  • Flowbee schematics
  • being ashamed
  • my kids are alive
  • Samurai swords
  • sticky pube
  • dork snatch
  • messy hair with twigs in it
  • Do people with uncircumcised boys get peed on less?

I don’t know what this says about my blog.

Please put your interpretations in our “Comments” section.

Are you what we need?

Presently, Off Duty Mom seeks a guest blogger (or more!) for a Mothers’ Day series to be published in May.

We are looking for fun, irreverent, polished writing on any topic that moms can relate to easily.

We welcome essays, poetry and articles that will help moms smile during the Mothers’ Day holiday.

If you can fit this bill, submit through the Guest Posting tab here on our blog site.

Submissions must be received no later than April 30, 2013.

Happy writing! We look forward to reading your work!

Merry, Merry 12 Days ’12

O. M. G.

Check me out, y’all.

I am being featured over at Momma Be Thy Name in the annual “Momma’s 12 Days” contest.

Head over there to read my post:  “Singing (So I Don’t Cry)” to get out of your funk and get into the holiday spirit, ODM-style.

Sure, your in-laws are coming over in a few days and your house will never be clean enough to avoid sarcastic commentary.  And, your sister-in-law is a bitch any time of year in any home or location.  But, silly Christmas posts are fun.  And, you can win prizes.

Yup.  Prizes, dudes.

What are you waiting for?

DO IT!

You know you wanna.

(Almost) Last Call for Submissions!

This December, Off Duty Mom will be featuring the stories of several women who have experienced all stages and types of battles with infertility.  As the holiday season approaches, many of us know that it can be difficult to cope with NOT getting the one thing we really want:  a family.

You can’t always get what you want, but you can try sometime and you might find you get what you need.

Avid readers of Off Duty Mom know that we love humor, wit and cleverness.  However, stories of all types and tones are welcome.  Send us your happy, sad, exhausting, gory, triumphant, expensive and just plain weird stuff, too.  We will feature selected stories about people’s struggles with all types of infertility throughout the month of December.

If you are interested in submitting a piece for consideration, please visit the “Guest Posting” section of the Off Duty Mom blog.  Or, “like” Off Duty Mom on Facebook and submit your piece through a message to us there.

The goal is to provide the many, many loving adults out there who have a very special wish for this holiday season will have a wonderful series of stories to read from people all over so that they may understand that they are not alone in their struggles.

If you’d like more information about the upcoming series, please leave a comment here.  We’ll get back to you soon.

For the many of you with whom we’ve already spoken about submitting your stories, please get those to us soon!  We can’t print everything we receive, but we do hope to include as many as we can!

Submissions will be accepted until November 22 (Thanksgiving Day).

Happy writing!

A Happy Day

Things that are sad:

-Puppy dogs frowning while Sarah McLachlan music plays and she begs you to give money to the frowny puppies so that they won’t live with people who make them so frowny.

-Me immediately signing up to give money to the frowny puppies because I am that impressionable.

-Lindsay Lohan wrecking her car.  Again.  Honey, get a chauffeur, already.  Poor little rich girl.

-Running out of wine.  (like here).

-War.  Famine.  Wildfires.  Mean people.

Things that are happy:

-Winning another Liebster Award!

-Rainbows, smiley puppy dogs, and the way my son feels in my arms after a bath, all wrapped up in a towel smelling of  lavender.

But, for the sake of argument, let’s go ahead and focus on that LIEBSTER AWARD!

Thanks so much to Kathy V. from Don’t Forget to Feed the Baby.  I am again honored to be recognized for my writing.  This made my day.  I am at work at a job I don’t really love and today is my baby’s 1st birthday.  So, I’d obviously rather not be here.  Seeing that I have won a prize, though, makes me a little more pleased to have logged on to a computer today.

Here are some other blogs you should check out.  I have, in turn (and according to the rules [because I ALWAYS follow rules]), nominated some other fabulous writers:

Tragic Sandwich

Momma Be Thy Name

An Idealist Thinker

-Charly Walker

Mega Momma Musings

Many thanks to all of my readers for your support.  I appreciate every single visit you make to this site.  And, I am truly honored when one of you selects me to recognize for one of the blogging awards out there.  When I began blogging, I didn’t imagine this many people would find their way to me and enjoy reading the ridiculousness spewed from my brain.

And, incidentally, if you’re interested in learning more about the frowny puppies (or, more seriously, about how you can help provide comfort and relief for pets who have been abused and abandoned), please visit the ASPCA official website:  http://www.aspca.org/.

Thank you…

Image

I was touched to have been recognized as a “versatile blogger” recently by the lovely Jennifer Butler Basile at the “Chopping Potatoes” blog.  Yesterday, she surprised me by recommending “Off Duty Mom” for the The Versatile Blogger Award.  She could only select 15 blogs to list as those she most admires, so I am thrilled that she included “Off Duty Mom” as one of them.  Thank you, Jennifer, for your kind words.

Many of you have likely seen these awards that bloggers give to one another to help recognize the fact that someone’s words have resonated or have impacted readers in some way.  The idea is for bloggers to let one another know that when we take that leap of faith and bare our souls to the vast empire of internet-dom, our words not only reach people worldwide, but make a positive — and often permanent — impression.  There is no greater gift than to know that you’ve touched someone’s life.

So, I plan to recognize the writers who have touched mine:

Momma Be Thy Name

Pile of Babies

Dirty Rotten Parenting

Jean Day Friday

Mittens and Boots

Science of Mom

Noodle and Goo

Working Momma With a Baby

My Toddler Peed in the Fridge

Moms Who Wine

The Good, The Bad and the Saggy

Katy Stuff

The Bookshelf of Emily J.

Making the Trek

Storyteller in the Digital Age

According to Jennifer, “if you find yourself nominated, you’ve been awarded The Versatile Blogger award.  And then, you need to pay it forward” by

  • Thanking the person who gave you this recognition
  •  Including a link to their blog
  •  Selecting 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly
  •  Nominating those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to this site.
  •  Telling  seven things about yourself
                       Here are 7 things about me:  I HATE peanut butter and chocolate together (Jennifer says she loves it — I just don’t understand…); I currently have a sign in my cubicle that says, “If Britney (Spears) can make it through 2007, I can make it through this day” (thank you, Buzzfeed); I typically wear completely insensible, uncomfortable shoes to work even though I know I will always regret it; and the last four songs I listened to just now were “Breathe” by Prodigy, “Freedom 90” by George Michael, “Under the Milky Way” by the Church and “Rainy Monday” by Shiny Toy Guns.
Again, thank you to Jennifer and “Chopping Potatoes” for thinking of “Off Duty Mom” for this award.  
UPDATE:  another FABULOUS blogger has decided to spread some “versatile” love.  Check her out here.  Thanks, Calibama Mom!  I am flattered to be recognized again!


Post Navigation

%d bloggers like this: